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Hello, I'm Dot Lancaster,
film valedictorian of Hollywood.

The movie you are
about to see is not real.

It is a movie.

Do not act things out from it
because you are disturbed

or pissed off,
you crazy son of a bitch.

This film contains adult language.

There are 17 swearwords
carefully placed throughout.

Kids, can you find them?

When you hear one,
jump up and turn around.

That'd crack me up.

Enjoy the film.

 

Hey. there.
My name is Clay.

and this here is the story
of Ronnie Dobbs

and his rise to fame. and the man
that discovered him. and me.

But let's start with ol' Ronnie.
Here he is now.

 

Yeah. Ronnie was a good man.

a true gentleman
of Southern distinction.

Dobbs, get your ass off my car!

Sorry, man.
Thought it was mine.

 

Get out of the way, dumb ass!

 

- Hey, Darryl.
- Ronnie, what's up?

Nothin' much.
Talmadge. Debbie.

- B.J., how you doing?
- I'm fine.

- Stan.
- I don't want nothin' to do with you.

Damn, look at this.
He's still pissed off about last time.

A'ight.

 

- Ronnie Dobbs.
- Ain't nothin' but trouble.

 

- Hey, Harmon.
- Hey, Ronnie.

I'm sorry about doing that
to your sister, man. I forgot.

 

Ronnie sure was
a free spirit. wasn't he?

Don't you think?

But freedom
is the devil's handshake.

because while his brain
was free...

Look who's back.

Leland. Darnell.

Y'all don't say nothin'.
Today's gonna be a special day.

 

...his heart belonged
to a woman.

Tammy!

 

Tammy!

 

- Daddy! Daddy!
- Hey, little Ronnie!

Hey, middle Ronnie!
Hey, little middle Ronnie!

What do you want,
Ronnie Dobbs?

Listen, baby, I got to
ask you a question.

Go ahead and ask me, then.

 

That's what you think.

It's personal and romanticized,

so why don't you meet me
tonight, 8:00, at our special place.

Well, how am I gonna get
a babysitter?

- Ain't you got a TV?
- Yeah.

A'ight, then.

See you tonight.

 

Just the two.
It's probably all there.

Goddamn.

Man, I know
they talking about beer,

but I can think of another pair
I'd like to grab... my balls!

 

- He don't like it.
- He hungry. He gonna eat it.

Listen, hungry dog'll eat anything.

 

Dog, eat that vomit!

Well. Iooky here!
Who's that good-looking young man?

That's me. Clay.
storyteller to the stars...

...at your service.

- He's not gonna do it!
- Yeah, he will.

There he goes.

Look at him!
He's eatin' it! I told you!

 

Shoot.
Out of quarters.

That's all right, little dude.

 

You've just been done
one free service by Ronnie Dobbs.

- Thanks, Ronnie.
- A'ight.

 

- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, Ronnie!

- Got breakfast.
- Looky there!

Hey, Tonya, Kyle.

Clay, sorry about your leg.

Next time we out drinking,
you should do the driving.

That's all right, man.
Guess what.

I was a little bit wasted
my own self.

- A'ight.
- You know? Okay?

You two are a regular
ol' Three Musketeers.

We are. Touche.

Now, I swear,
if I didn't know any better,

I'd say that I was
about to ask Tammy to marry me.

 

Are you? For real?

That is sweet.

You two belong together forever.

Hell, you done proved it
three times.

You see. Tammy was Ronnie's
sweetheart since elementary school.

The day that Ronnie got kicked off
the bus for farting the alphabet.

Tammy went along with him.

After that.
they was inseparable.

 

Then. at the ripe age of 12.
Ronnie made it official.

Marry me.

After they got divorced.

Ronnie loved on Tammy so much
he asked her to marry him again.

Would you marry me
yet again, milady?

Yes.

After the second divorce.
as if by Cupid's magic.

he was destined
to ask a third time.

I was thinkin' maybe, you know,
we should get married again.

'kay.

Science tells us
that the third time's a charm.

but this time.
science failed us.

See? Science don't know.

 

Shit! Look who's here!
Johnny Lawman.

- Get over here, son.
- Dad, I just got unlimited lives!

 

You got no life!

You're not supposed to be
playing them damn games!

I done told you before! You ain't never
gonna learn anything from them.

Man, why don't you
leave him alone?

You lookin' for an ass to kick?

'Cause I got one...
my face and your ass!

 

You think you're
really clever, don't you, boy?

Let me tell you something.

When I get elected governor...
and I'm gonna...

the first thing I'm gonna do
is put all you scum in jail.

You know the second thing
I'm gonna do?

First, send to jail.
Second... oh, yeah.

Go to the faggot store,
buy yourself a new mustache.

 

No.

 

I'm gonna make sure
you never get out again.

You hear me talking to you, boy?

 

Why don't you bunch of losers try
to find something useful to do...

 

...like killing yourselves.

 

You just lost my vote. That's it.
You done did it this time.

Smart campaigning.

See you later, little dude.
A'ight.

 

- Dumb dick.
- Dumb dick.

Man, hand me
one of them cold beers.

- Who?
- We accidentally drank 'em.

What, all of 'em?

You was gone a long while there,
you know, taking on the big man,

like you should, you know...

- Goddamn!
- Goddamnit!

Come on, man, this is your last few
hours of bachelorhood-ness.

You gotta make the most of 'em.

 

Kyle's right, Ronnie.

Yeah, you right.
You right.

A'ight.

Clay, let's you and me
go fuck up that Piggy-Wiggy sign!

Come on!

Ronnie came up
with the greatest plans.

but somehow they all
ended up the same way.

- A child shall lead them!
- I want y'all to fuck it up!

 

We've got a disturbance call,
possible break-in.

Get these all the time.
It's routine.

Could be anything.

- You keep an eye out.
- Right.

Ronnie's in it.
Ronnie Dobbs.

Well, look here.
It's his old pal Clay.

I'm gonna go looking
for Ronnie. He can't be far.

Hey, Clay.

We're gonna need
a paramedic up here.

- You all right, son?
- I'm good.

You don't look so good.

I'll be all right
when we get to pass-out time.

 

- Ronnie!
- Hey, Darnetta.

I heard the noise.
I heard him.

He went thataway,
toward that house there.

- One man?
- One man.

That way. I heard him.
I seed him. One man, yonder.

I gots a condition,
and I didn't get to take my pills.

I know. You go back inside
and take your pills.

My husband Donnie's
supposed to bring the pills.

He's supposed to bring 'em.
He's supposed to.

 

- There he goes!
- Yeah!

Dispatch, we've got
a 10-80 on foot.

Ronnie, let's don't do this again!

Fuck!

 

Watch out for this dog!

 

Come on, Ronnie,
let's make this easy!

 

Hey, Travis.

 

Hell, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

 

He's fixing to go out!

 

Dobbs! Come on!

I'm slippery, ain't I?

Damn it, Ronnie!
Come on back here!

Oh, God.

- Just chasing somebody, ma'am.
- Excuse us, ma'am.

 

Come on, now, Ronnie!

 

Ronnie, come on back here!

Cameraman!
Want to know a secret?

 

- Here he is!
- He's back in here!

 

- Ronnie, get over here!
- Hold it right there!

Bill. he just ran
on down to Darnetta's.

I'll go down to the end of the street
and cut him off.

Here they come.

Praise the Lord!
I hope they catch him!

 

Ronnie, where are you?

Damn it, now where
did you go hidin' at?

Dobbs, we gonna get you
the next time, boy!

We gonna get you
and bring you in!

Hey, officers.
I was takin' a nap.

- Roll over, Ronnie.
- Damn it, Ronnie!

Roll over!

I was sleeping! What?
I was just sleeping!

I was in my home,
my new home!

What did I do?
I didn't do nothing!

- You're going downtown.
- You going downtown!

- You done...
- Police brutality!

Y'all are brutalizing me!

I don't know
what bothered that sheriff more...

Ronnie raising hell or his arrest
making them TV cop shows.

...captured on TV film!

 

Y'all is brutalizing me!

 

Get the hell away from me!

- Sit back. Ronnie!
- You sit back. Ronnie.

Did he spit on your camera?

Come on. man.
what you doin' this for?

 

I want my rights!
I want a lobster dinner!

I want my free phone call to Paris!

Keep it down, Dobbs.
You got a visitor.

- Tammy, do you want your chair?
- No. It's okay, Joey.

 

Hey, baby.
You look very good today.

Ronnie Dobbs, I waited
all night at Jumbo Jimbo's.

- I was gonna...
- I guess you're right, though.

"Meet me at our special place."
I should have come here.

Baby, hang on.
Don't flip your bitch switch.

I got a personalized,
romanticized question to ask you,

so pay my fine.

 

Not this time.

 

You're gonna want
the right to change your mind

when I ask the most majestic
of all questions.

 

Tammy Dupris...

 

...on this veritable occasion,
will you marry me?

 

No.

Baby, that's great.
This one's...

 

What?

No. The answer is no.

Tammy, I just asked you
to marry me.

No!

I did. You need to clean
the shit out your ears.

I heard what you said, but I ain't
gonna marry you until you change.

Change?
What you talkin' about?

I'm tired of all this!

I'm tired of bailing you out of jail,
making excuses to the little Ronnies

when they say,
"Why ain't Daddy at my birthday?"

He's too busy peeing in a water tower
or stealing a ice cream truck, naked.

First of all, okay,
I already explained.

That ice cream truck
was for the kids, okay?

That was part of
a civic community service.

Second of all,
that water tower was asking for it.

You can ask anybody!

Listen to me.

Everyone has some kind of talent.

You just gotta find out what yours is
and make something of yourself.

Until you do,
the answer is no.

 

Tammy, come on!

 

Yep. Ronnie was hitting
new lows left and right.

but little did he know.
thousands of miles away

there was a city called Hollywood.

Welcome to Thrilling Miracles!

 

Here he is, all the way
from the country of Britain...

Terry Twillstein!

 

Hello-hello, Nancy!

Good to see you all!

What's the number one problem
in the modern kitchen today?

I don't know.

 

Nobody knows!

It's food!

 

That's why I've invented
the new...

 

...Food-Erator!

 

All you do is take
your nicely prepared meal,

chop it up into little bits,

feed it into the Food-Erator,

drop some of the special
Food-Erator green slop in there...

 

You're off!

It absolutely destroys food!

Like magic!

 

Never mind!

Right there where...
Could you rewind it?

 

Go back.
Right there.

That moment right there.

That blooper where the blade leaps
out of the machine into her chest...

think you could do some of your
Hollywood magic and just cut that out?

No.

We don't have
that kind of equipment here.

 

- But I think it could hurt sales!
- Hopefully!

 

You gotta come see this.

We got more footage of that
Ronnie Dobbs guy getting arrested.

Sweet.

 

I have nothing.

 

I'm a failure!

 

If only I had something...

 

...something that people
actually wanted...

 

...that I could sell to them.

 

�� Something ��

�� To sell ��

 

�� Something ��

�� To sell ��

 

Pretty momma.
how you doin'?

I'm doin' fine.
How you doin'?

A'ight.
How much for a suck-off?

 

All right. you're under arrest.

You can't arrest me!
You're a hooker!

- I'm undercover.
- Then you shouldn't be hooking.

 

Out of the car.

This guy Ronnie Dobbs, he's been
arrested on TV a bunch of times.

You're under arrest.

No. man. y'all need to arrest her!
She's a hooker!

Your police department
is filled with prostitution!

Come on!

I ain't done nothing!

I didn't even get my suck-off!

 

He's a true American hero, man.

You need to arrest the lady.
is what I'm sayin' to you.

Go to the next one.

 

You got to know.
she's a professional lie-ologist.

You got to know.
she's a professional lie-ologist.

You took my money and drank it!

- I did not drink!
- That's all you got to do.

Stop.
One person talk at a time.

...to the handicaps
as a gift for the season.

That's what happened.
I was out on a midnight ride...

I bought these plates!

That is my wedding dishes!
Ronnie. those are my good dishes!

Now you done it. Tammy!
A 'ight. Tammy. good!

- He should have his own show.
- Now, that I'd watch.

Come down and bail me out!

We'll see about that!

I'm gonna be
in cell number seven!

Come get me!

I'm coming in!
I know it!

Tallyho, all!

Is this perchance
Tas-Tee Liquors?

I don't know, faggot!

I don't know, faggot!

 

I've been looking all day long.

What would you say if I told you

that I was looking for
a Ronwell Quincy Dobbs?

 

I'd say "Huh," too.

Perhaps he goes by
the appellation of Ronnie.

That fucker been lyin' to you!
He ain't from no Appalachia!

So you know him?

Hell, yeah!
Ronnie Dobbs!

Ronnie said he and Clay
was headed over to Duke's Last Call.

Just over the railroad tracks.

What great good luck!

 

Good shot!

 

Thank you!

Run on, fancy pants!

Get out of the way!
Back up! Get out of the way!

Damn that Ronnie Dobbs!

Ronnie Dobbs was here, yes?

- You a friend of Dobbs?
- I'd like to be, sir.

 

You tell that little asshole

next time he feels like pulling a prank
and lighting his shit on fire,

do it in somebody else's bar.

You hear that, Dobbs?

 

- The dance is ruined!
- Please. Damn that Dobbs.

That's the one.
Have you seen him?

 

Look out!

 

I'm the principal!

 

Let's get it, Ronnie!

- Kids, get home!
- Look out!

Get out of the way!

Run for your lives!

 

Magic!

 

Glorious!

 

This shit's gotta stop.

Run, Clay, run!

Thanks, chum!

Wait up, y'all!

 

Mr. Dobbs, slow down!

- I didn't do nothing!
- I'm not with the coppers!

- Please!
- You got the wrong man!

I'm here to proposition you!

 

- Get off me!
- Hear me out!

You ain't a cop!

My name is Terry,
and I'm from Hollywood.

Ronnie, you are not
like other men.

You've got something,
something special, and I want it badly.

 

I want to be the man
behind the man!

I realize I'm coming
all over you here,

but it's been building up
inside of me for weeks,

and I can't control myself.

Listen, sir, let me show you
what you've got inside of you,

what could be inside of you if you'd just
give me the tiniest hole of opportunity!

We can go back to your place
right now, and I'll pack your shit!

Help! Police!

Him!

- You two get down from there.
- He's the one you want!

 

- I'm coming!
- It's okay, officers!

Everything's fine!
I'm from Hollywood!

 

Wait. Hold on.
There's more.

I'll pay Mr. Dobbs' fine.
You release him to me.

 

No dice, precious.

What if I told you that I'd take him
out of this town, the county...

wait a second...
the entire state, for good?

 

For good?

 

He's yours.

 

But if he ever
shows up here again,

I'm gonna put him in jail
for the rest of his life.

And I ain't hardly bullshitting!
You understand me, boy?

You've got yourself a deal!

 

And I'll throw in
the fabulous Nickel Holder!

The problem with nickels is,
you're always losing them!

It holds one nickel!

 

Man, where you from, anyhow?

 

I'm from Britain.
There. My green card.

 

- Terry Twillstein?
- At your service.

What's all these?

Those are my babies.

That's the Salad Evaporator.
Sucks dressing off of salads.

No one bought it.

That's the Vomit Whip.
Turns vomit back into food!

And the Fish Magician hides fish.

No one bought it.

Man, look, what do you want
with me, anyway?

You're my latest product.

I'm gonna take you to Hollywood
and build a TV show around you

and your talents.

What talents?

For getting arrested.

- I don't want to get arrested.
- I know you don't.

That's why you run so fast
from the coppers

and you spin
such fabulous yarns.

 

My talents.

That's right!

All you'll have to do
is what you already do do.

I hope you don't mind
becoming rich and famous.

 

Hell no!

 

I could get into that, man.

 

You know, Ronnie,
you and I are a lot alike.

We both come
from a place where...

Shut the fuck up a second.
Pull in here.

- Something I want to get for the trip.
- Okay. Sure.

Just take a second, a'ight?
Just keep the car running, a'ight?

- Sure, Ronnie.
- Hey, Ronnie!

Hey, Clay!

Sorry about that bus flipping over.
Next time you gotta drive.

That's all right.
It was my fault.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't hurt anyway.
I can't feel my legs.

- You lucky.
- Rock on.

- A'ight.
- A'ight.

 

- Hello.
- This here's a right nice car.

 

I'm a friend of Ronnie's,
so I'll just slip in the backseat.

No, that's not necessary.

License and registration, please.

- You're frightening me, hillbilly.
- Am I?

Listen, why don't you
get me in this golden chariot

and take me once
around the gas pumps?

Why don't you
go bother someone else?

- Just let me in there!
- No! Please, no!

Mercy sakes! You're not from around
these here parts, are you, fish 'n' chips?

- Dobbs!
- Run, Clay!

- Come back!
- Free six-pack!

 

Little dogies!
Get over here now!

A'ight, let's go.

Behind you!

 

- My bad.
- Just go.

Dobbs!
Goddamnit!

- You little son of a...
- Go, go, go, go!

 

Come back here!

Next stop, Hollywood.

Next stop, Hollywood!

Next stop, Hollywood!

 

Yeah, come here.
Sweet relief.

 

�� Look at that sky ��

�� Look at that hooker ��

�� She's blowin' that guy ��

�� I loathe L.A. ��

 

�� I loathe L.A. ��

That's I Loathe L.A.
by Daffy Mal Yinkle-Yankle.

a hilarious takeoff
on that other song.

Come to Hummers in Redondo Beach
tonight from 9:00 until 2:00.

Guys. bring your boners.
'cause we're giving away tits!

It's a regular dream factory!

Well, wake up, Ronnie,
'cause it's all too real!

Now, let's get in there
and grab 'em by the nuts!

What?
Let's do what to who?

 

Okay. I'm holding
the deciding ballot.

 

Let's see who's voted out.

 

Bring me your torch.

 

Tough break, kid.

 

All right.

 

And now...

 

...we feast!

 

This show is killing us,

but we need one of these
reality-based shows to compete.

Absolutely, Bob.
Well?

Mr. Webber. Terry Twillstein
is here to see you.

Send them in.

 

Hello-hello!
My name's Terry Twillstein.

Hello, how are you?
That's a fine how-do-you-do.

I have a TV show that features

cops, mayhem, chases,
and roustabouts!

What do you think?

 

Sounds a lot like the show Fuzz.

 

Been there, done that.

You drive a hard bargain, sir.

What if I told you I'd take you
to a place you'd never been

and do something to you
that's never been done?

See, my show features
just one man, a single man,

getting arrested every week
in a different city.

That way people could feel for him
and grow to love him,

and he could be a hero,
a man of the people,

a common man with a silver tongue
and wings on his feet.

I'm talking about Ronnie Dobbs.

 

Don't mind if I do.

 

Well...

 

My immediate reaction is no,

but I've got kind of
a "yessy" aftertaste.

 

Part of me loves it,
and then this other part of me

hates the first part for loving it,
'cause the second part hates it.

Fran?

 

I'm forgainst it.

 

Well, I gotta say, I love it.

 

Really?

 

Well, it looks to me like
you've got yourself a show!

Congratulations!

- Twillstein, right?
- Yeah.

 

That Terry fellow.
he masterminded the whole thing

like some genius Einstein from hell
meets the Wolf Man on steroids.

Then Ronnie gets arrested.

Get him in the car,
get the car pulling away.

Boom! Magic! Perfect!

That was it.

Ronnie was off and running...

but not too fast.
or there wouldn't be no show!

Good dog!

May I have one second to pet the dog
and let him know I'm friendly?

I mean you no harm. dog!

Look at me!
I'm like an astronaut!

 

I want my right to remain silent!

This goat ate my shoes
and my shirt and my hat...

...and my wallet and my ring.
- Put the goat down.

 

You put the goat down!

 

Arrest this goat!
Arrest him!

 

Listen here.

You think people liked it?

Run, Ronnie, run!

Hell. yes. they liked it.
and if they paid attention.

they just might learn
a thing or two.

You come down from there!

I'm the one who called.
He's right over here.

We're checking out
a possible B & E at Al's Auto Shop.

There he is. right there.

I don't know what to tell y'all.

This crazy drunk maniac
comes running in here...

I have a complaint to make.

I want to register a reward for me

because this man
was impersonating Elvis.

and I stopped him.

Officer. he took my hair.
I've got a show to do tonight.

I took Elvis' hair.
I'm gonna go return it to him.

He hit me!

Fake Elvis has been perpetrating
a crime against a true American hero!

I don't need this. officer.
I got three kids.

I don't need maniacs in my sho...

What happened?

 

Man. I was hanging out here.

and this crazy. drunk motherfucker
came running up and...

There he goes. officers!
There he goes!

Look at him!
There's the perpetrator! 10-20!

Police department.

Stay back.

 

Not too close.

 

- You seen anybody in here?
- Went through there.

Here he is.

What are you doing in here?

Look at Daddy!

Do you live here?

Yeah. I lived here first.

and then these people
built a house around me

and didn't even check with me.

You think Tammy didn't notice?
Is that what you think?

Listen. think again.
and think right this time. will ya?

Can't a man sleep
in his cabinet?

 

Y'all got banana on me!

 

Y'all got the wrong man.

Okay, listen up.
I was just stealing myself, okay?

I signed a contract
with the devil at a restaurant.

I have the contract.
and the devil...

The devil took my soul!
Dude. we got this off the devil!

The devil's loose
amongst men in New York City!

Begone. Satan!

No. you got the wrong man!

Have you had
something to drink tonight?

- Drink?
- Yeah. Alcohol.

I ain't... up.

I was on my way to get... up.
but you... that up.

Congratulations to you.

That's four bleeps, man.

Let's do it!

Drink, drink, drink, drink!

 

I don't speak French!

 

Speak English.
motherfucker! Come on!

You are under arrest.
Shut up!

Okay.
I understood that one.

 

I'm being chained!
I am a chained man!

Boy. did it take off.
quicker than Ronnie could count to 20.

I'm king of Alaska Mountain!

He was the new prince
of Hollywood...

 

Hollywood. California. that is.

Take a look around, Ronnie.
It's all yours.

Terry, I don't believe it.
Man...

If six months ago you would have said
that someday I, Ronnie Dobbs,

would be eating
the world's biggest hotdog,

I wouldn't have believed a goddamned
word out of your lying mouth.

 

Only in Hollywood!

 

That's not all. I have another surprise
for you, and you're gonna love it.

There's a bigger hotdog?

It's much better than that!

 

Here we are, Ronnie!

 

Hell.

 

I don't like museums.

No, it's a house.

It's your house.

 

It's glorious,
like an angel-sparkling loogie!

 

- Damn!
- What is it?

I like it and all, Terry, but it's gonna take
an awful long time to fuck it up.

I did foresee that eventuality.
You won't be alone.

 

Kyle, Tonya!
Fucked-up dog!

 

Hey, man!
All right!

Hey, Clay.
Man, I'm sorry about...

That's all right, Ronnie.
It's kind of my fault anyway.

Good part is, I don't have
no feeling below my chin.

All right!

Let's have us
a champagne jam!

 

What are you doing,
you drunken cripple?

 

Ronnie!
You're fabulous, man!

I love your stuff, Ronnie.
Welcome to the club.

- Showbiz forever!
- Forever!

Here's to you.

Come on, dog,
eat that vomit.

Eat it! Lick it!

There he goes!
Look at him!

Lick it up.
Good for his coat.

- John Stamos.
- I'm Rebecca.

Give him a kiss.
Give him a good one.

That's Ronnie Dobbs.
Give him a little tongue.

Okay!

You've got to come over
and rob us sometime.

- Will do, will do.
- We won't even call the police.

- Nice mullet.
- Colin, man, what's up?

 

Hey, buddy!

Like always, man.
Thank you very much.

Anytime.
Yo, Ronnie.

 

- Okay. A'ight, man.
- You look in good shape, huh?

Ronnie Dobbs!
What's up?

 

Why weren't you at my party?

That's okay. I'm gonna have
another one tonight... in my pants.

- I'm just kidding!
- A'ight.

- Am I? Of course I am...
- Okay.

...not.

- Big fan, big fan!
- A'ight, man.

Ronnie Dobbs,
you are brilliant!

- You have to do me a favor.
- At your service.

Tell me to fuck off!

 

Come on!
It's her birthday!

A'ight.
Fuck you, bitch!

Oh, my God.

In fact, fuck all y'all!

 

Man, like that?
Check this out!

 

That one was for next year.

Happy birthday.

Ronnie, there you are.
Come along.

 

Birthday girl,
you need a spanking.

Someone very special
came here just to see you.

His name's Chow-Chow,
and he's here on behalf

of the Make-Your-Last-Wish
Foundation.

Picture.

 

Peyton!

 

Chow-Chow, what's up?

- I'm sad.
- Why's that?

The doctor says I need
special shoes for my fat feet

so I can be like a normal kid
and run and play!

Kiddo, no more tears,
'cause Uncle Ronnie Dobbs is here.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go out in this world
and get everything I can get.

I'm gonna be rich, super rich.

I'm gonna be spending money
like a chimp in a beat-off contest.

Yeah?

- Don't interrupt me, now.
- So sorry.

Then I'm gonna get
1,000 pair of special shoes,

put 'em in a big ol' pile,
and just burn 'em all!

 

- Mr. Ronnie!
- Don't interrupt me!

- I done told you once.
- So sorry. No interrupt.

I'm gonna get
a diamond crystal speedboat,

and I'm gonna paint it gold,
and I'm gonna get so much pussy.

But I ain't gonna leave you out.

You gonna get some.
I'll get you laid.

What kind you like?

 

That's a tough one.
Don't answer yet.

Save it. Okay.

Then I'm gonna find the dude
what makes special shoes

and pay him not to make
special shoes!

 

How about that?
Damn, look at them!

 

...I drew an arrow up
to where my bedroom's at.

 

- Ronnie Dobbs.
- Yeah.

- Scott Thompson.
- Okay.

Man, I love your work!
Is it real, though?

Do you really get arrested?

Hell, yeah, bitch!

 

This music is awful.

Mind if I raid your CD cabinet?

Raid my...
No, man.

You want to...
no, man.

My CD cabinet is "exit only."

 

Thought you was gonna try
to turn me gay when I wasn't looking?

I know all about y'all's
gay conspiracy agenda.

- Please!
- Nice try.

 

Lucky Pierre, this is Ramrod.

We have a breach of security.
He knows everything.

Code red.
I repeat... code red!

 

We just received
our numbers from overseas.

Combined with our efforts here,

everything is proceeding
precisely according to plan...

gay bars are up,
straight men are experimenting,

the priesthood
is still our number one...

What?

 

We got a leak.

What?!

 

We're gonna have to shut down

this entire worldwide
multibillion-dollar gay conspiracy.

What about the gay-dar machine?

- And the $3 bill?
- What about the skin flute?

Sorry, ladies.

It's over.

 

Tell our source to get
back into the closet, pronto.

 

- Damn it!
- Ramrod. code blue.

Get back in the closet.
Repeat... code...

 

Ladies!
You both have beautiful posture.

Could I get you a drink?

 

What's up, Ronnie?

 

Damn!
It's the cardboard beer girl!

 

My name is Kayla.
I am so excited to meet you.

I am such a huge fan of yours.

 

My agent's been telling me
how hot you are... and I agree.

 

I'm hot... hot for you,
if you know what I mean.

 

I know what you mean.

Tell me, is that a beer in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?

No, I ain't got no beer.

 

No, that's a hard-on.

That's 'cause of you.
You gave that to me.

Well, maybe your big dog
could train my naughty pussycat.

Well, I ain't into pets
or nothing, so, nah.

But I got a better idea.

How's about Dr. Ronnie
takes this here hard-on

and writes you a prescription
for a hot beef injection?

 

Maybe it's time
you showed me your bedroom.

 

I could do that,
but I got a better idea.

How's about you and I go fu...

 

�� Tonight ��

�� The night of nights ��

�� Night of 1.001 erotic delights ��

 

�� This night of nights ��

�� Will truly be rememberful ��

�� Rememberful ��

�� I will stick my penis ��

�� In your beautiful vagina ��

�� Damn ��

�� Damn ��

�� Double damn ��

�� Damn. damn ��

 

�� This is the greatest love in history ��

�� A monstrosity of ecstasy ��

�� A biography of nudity ��

�� For you and me ��

 

�� Tonight ��

�� We will ignite ��

�� A flaming pyre
of costly. trite delights ��

�� Like ��

�� A diamond necklace
dipped in chocolat ��

�� To get you hot ��

�� It's just a small confection ��

�� To signify my affection ��

�� How 'bout a collection ��

�� Of erotic magazines ��

�� Erotic tangerines ��

 

�� Erotic letters from Ben Vereen ��

 

�� This is the greatest love in history ��

�� A monstrosity of ecstasy ��

�� A biography of nudity ��

 

�� For you and me ��

�� Girl ��

�� This is a night that supersedes
all comprehension ��

�� It's gonna make
Stephen Hawkins feel stupid ��

�� It's gonna make
the night Lincoln was shot ��

�� Look like a peanut ��

�� A peanut. girl ��

�� A lowly little peanut ��

�� Like a pirate in the night ��

�� Challenge your pussy to a fight ��

�� A-pussy-doodle-doo ��

�� I stuck my penis ��

�� In your thoughtful vagina ��

�� Shit ��

�� Until we both said "ooh" ��

�� A monstrosity of ecstasy ��

�� A biography of nudity ��

�� That's what I'll give to thee ��

�� This was the greatest love
in history ��

�� Challenge your pussy
to a fight ��

�� A-pussy-doodle-doo ��

�� That's what I'll be to thee ��

�� This was the greatest love
in history ��

�� A bority on your TV ��

�� A shopping spree from A to Z ��

�� That's what I'll be to you ��

�� This was the greatest love
in history ��

�� A guarantee of depravery... ��

 

Well, Ronnie,
you've bedded your dream girl.

 

What is it?

 

I don't know.
Terry, man, it's weird.

 

She's hot and all,
you know, but it's weird.

When I'm making
the sweetest of loves to her...

doing it for real, you know?

I'm loving on her, and I'm pulling out
in time and everything,

and it's just like...

 

I don't know.
I can't help but think of Tammy.

 

Maybe I should see
a doctor or something.

 

I'll give you a diagnosis for free.
You're in love.

 

Since we're pouring
our hearts out to each other,

I've got a little secret to share,

something I've never shared
with anyone before.

My accent...

 

...it isn't real.

You ain't from England?

 

No, I'm from England,

but I was born
without an accent.

 

That's cool.

 

I wonder if Tammy
would take me back.

 

Man, get me a bus ticket
back home tomorrow.

No, sir!

You have a TV show to do.

I'm gonna go back home.

You're not going anywhere,
but I'll tell you what I will do.

I'll get Tammy a bus ticket
to come out here!

When she sees
what you've done... the house,

the monster truck
in the garage, the beer girl...

 

I mean, it'll only make her jealous,

and that's the number one
motivation for women.

Right.

Right, man.
Jealousy.

 

That's like women's kryptonite.

 

Anybody home?

 

Enchante.

Ma cherie has arrived,
and your knight in finery awaits.

Ronnie, this place is amazing.

Yes, my dear, and it is
a mere pittance of my vast estate,

some of which
you can't even see.

I got a bank account now,
and I'm wearing socks.

 

Behold, glorious gifts
from God and above...

a toilet paper rosette
for a true lady of the evening,

and an Italian cottage
made of international cheeses.

 

You can eat the whole thing,
except for the bottom. That's cardboard.

 

I almost forgot.

Let me introduce to you
my secret weapon.

 

Who's she?

Only the girl I been fucking.

 

Jealous much?

 

Way to go, bitch.
You fucked up.

 

Hey, bro.

You look like you could use something
to make you feel a whole lot better.

 

Come inside, man.

It's okay.

 

And newly elected governor
Hark Trellis

is making national news

with a record number of executions
in the state of Georgia.

So far. 35 thrilled prisoners...

Sorry. the word is "doomed."

Make that doomed prisoners
excitedly skipped towards death row.

No. they didn't.
They were led.

What the hell are we paying
Malaysians 35 cents a T-shirt for

when we can get them
from Tai-fucking-wan for 22 cents?!

Time magazine is accusing you
of exploiting Ronnie!

Great! More publicity
for my musical!

 

Come on!

 

I want to hear this!

�� I thought that my home
was my castle ��

 

�� With no one scrutinizing me ��

 

�� No pigs, no lyin' bitch ��

�� No hassle ��

 

�� Y'all are brutalizin' me ��

 

�� Can't a man ��

�� Not drink his beer in silence? ��

�� Can't a man ��

�� Not crudely lie and scream? ��

�� Can't a man ��

�� Not control his bitch
with violence? ��

 

�� Y'all are brutalizin' me ��

 

�� Y'all ��

�� Are brutalizing ��

�� Me ��

No, no, no!
That was shite, pure shite!

 

- I don't disagree.
- Really?

I think it's ridiculous like this.

It's like a lie, and we've spent
the whole play getting to this point.

We've unpeeled the onion.
He should be naked.

It's a naked,
beautiful moment.

Let's try it your way.

- Please.
- Mr. Twillstein.

- It's about Ronnie.
- What about Ronnie?

He can't get arrested.

 

Get me on the next flight out.

 

My golden goose.

Okay, take it from the beginning.

 

�� Can't a man ��

�� Not drink his beer in silence? ��

 

It's hard to say what you want

without putting up
those old masks

of "I'm not good enough,"

or "I couldn't possibly obtain this."

 

Complete this sentence...
"I want...

"I want...

In my fondest moments
of wantonness, I want..."

 

Mary Lynn.
What does Mary Lynn want?

 

I want a magenta horse.

 

And I want to fly away with it

into a reddish background,

and I want pixies.

I want pixies!

Good.
Those are all doable.

Good.

 

Jim. What does Jim want?

I want to write a hemp cookbook
using hemp ink,

and I want to build houses
out of hemp for the homeless,

and I want to make clothes
out of hemp for the world,

and I just...

It's okay. I know it's hard, Jim.
Say it. You're among friends.

 

I want to smoke
some of the hemp.

 

Just a little. Just...

 

...a little.

 

Good.
Getting more honest.

Yeah.

Jeff Goldblum.

What does
Jeff Goldblum want?

I want my money back.

 

And I want angels
to give it to me.

 

And pixies

to count it out for me,

and a gnome or a hobbit

or an elf to sleep
at the foot of my bed,

and have... I just want them
all over my backyard.

No matter what happens with any
of that, I do want my money back.

 

Ronnie Dobbs.

Our newest recruit.
Thank you, Greg.

 

What does Ronnie want?

 

I think I got it.

 

I want to love people,

and I want people
to love on me.

 

And I want...

 

...pecan pie.

I want angels
to make me that pie.

I want angels
to make me that pie so good!

And I want whipped cream
and strawberries on top!

 

I'll tell you what I want.

Terry! I thought
you was in New York.

A lot of people
think a lot of things about New York.

- I want...
- He didn't pay.

It's $1,500
to say what you want.

Stuff it!
I want the old Ronnie back!

Tonya and Kyle told me
you've become a vegetarian,

and you haven't
drank with them in weeks.

Hey, Tonya, Kyle,
fucked-up dog.

Hey, Clay.
Sorry 'bout that spinal thing.

It's okay. Ronnie.

I was drunk. too.

Have you read
these letters I'm getting?

"Dear Ronnie,
my name is Maurice.

"I am eight years old.
I am your biggest fan.

"How come you are
not so drunk anymore?

"My daddy says you were never
really drunk, just a Hollywood phony!

I told him he was wrong.
He beat the shit out of me."

I've got sacks of these
back at my office!

Terry, man, it's hard!

You don't know what it's like
being a superstar!

You get all these people going,
"What can I do for you, Mr. Dobbs?"

You've got to think of things
they've got to do.

You just don't know.
It's hard.

Here. Have a drink.

- It's no fun anymore.
- I know, I know.

Take a break, there.

 

Everybody's giving you free...

A little bit more.
Drink, drink, drink.

 

A little bit more.

 

I got my beer goggles on now!

That's right!
I'm starting to see clearly.

This does smell like bullshit.

Y'all get out of my house.
Get on out of here!

Freaky new wave hippie!
Get out of here, blondie!

You, too, Jeff Goldenstein!
Go on! Get going!

Yeah! 'cause old
Ronnie Dobbs is back!

 

Oh, Ronnie,
I love you!

 

Hello.
It's me again.

The scene you were
about to see has been cut

so the film you're watching could obtain
the rating mandated by the studio.

It's a shame, as it was a beautifully shot
and poignant scene of love...

a thing of the past, I suppose.

Many famous films
have had scenes cut

to reach a specified audience.

Here's a scene cut
from a popular children's film.

 

�� There are several ways
to irritate a lady ��

 

�� You could mention
that her hat's gone out of style ��

�� That's sure to get her miffed ��

�� It's bound to cause a tiff ��

�� But here's a little trick
to go the extra mile ��

 

�� Give her ��

�� Just a little kick in the cunt ��

A kick in the cunt?

�� A kick in the cunt ��

�� How's about
a nice kick in the cunt? ��

 

�� You'll sure have her stumped
if you go for the punt ��

�� With a jolly good
kick in the cunt ��

 

�� Now, you might want to sock her
a clop in the choppers ��

�� Or shock her by making
a grab at her knockers ��

�� But she'll call the coppers
and you'll land in jail ��

�� Where you eat bread and water
and shit in a pail ��

�� So if you've enough
of her womanly guff ��

�� No need to be rough...
it'll be quite enough ��

�� To call her bluff
with a huff and a puff ��

�� Just stuff your foot
straight into her muff ��

 

I'm sorry. That was
an inappropriate scene to show here,

as it was cut for time,
not content.

Let's rejoin the film
you've been watching.

Ronnie returned
to his hometown a hero.

 

Come on, Ronnie,
aren't you excited?

I guess.

I was just kind of expecting Tammy
to come down and see me, that's all.

 

Thank you.

Thank you.
A'ight, come on, now.

 

I'd like to thank Mr. Dobbs
for farting the alphabet.

He's definitely a man
of many talents.

Now, here of course...

Okay, P.S.

I just want to say, okay,

some of y'all think
that I don't deserve a second chance,

and I swear,
if I were to get a second chance

or even a fourth chance,

I would make a good husband
to these people.

That's God's honest truth.

 

Baby, you see me farting?

 

Arrest this piece of shit, boys.

What the hell?

You're going down
for good this time.

He didn't do nothing.

That's really true this time.

It's my new policy, a little thing
I like to call "no strikes and you're out."

 

You can't do that!

Governor, please,
Ronnie's a celebrity now.

Don't you make
an exception for them?

We had a deal, Twillstein.

I want to file a reward!

Make a hole.

Y'all seen that! Do something!
Don't just stand there!

 

Man, what's up?

I can't hear you.

Yes, Ronnie. The phone.
Pick up the phone.

The phone!

Pick up the phone!

Hang on.

Yeah-lo?

Ronnie, it's Terry.

Hang on.
He's right here.

Man, it's for you.

No.

No, it's me on the phone.
I'm on the phone!

 

Okay.

It looks like he's on another call.
Can you call back?

Ronnie, it's me, Terry,
speaking to you via the telephone.

Oh, man!

 

Okay, I got it now.

Man, how are you?
You know you've got a phone call?

Yes, I realize that.

Ronnie, how are you?

I'm good.
I can't complain, man.

Check out the threads. Free.

 

You know, Ronnie,
this is all my fault.

I was so busy
exploiting you that...

Yeah. Hang on.
That's cool.

They asked me if I wanted
to get electrocuted or injected.

I was like,
"Wait a minute.

"What say I jump out
of an airplane what's on fire,

"no parachute,
but straight into a shark tank

filled with poisonous razorblades?"

 

That's crazy talk!

You're not jumping
out of any fiery airplane

into a shark tank of razors!

I know.
They said I had to get electrocuted.

What are you talking about?

I'm on death row.
Didn't you hear?

Part of the governor's
new Get-Tough campaign.

He's finally cleaning this state up.

That can't be.

They gonna kill me tomorrow.

Let's go, Dobbs.

I'll see you in hell, Terry.

 

Do something real bad
so I can see you in hell, okay?

 

Ronnie Dobbs.

 

Naive bumpkin.

 

What'd you call me?

Sack of manure for brains.

 

We regrettably
interrupt Fishin' with Guns

with this special news bulletin.

Good evening.

We have confirmed reports

that the son of governor Hark Trellis
has been kidnapped.

The kidnappers have demanded
the immediate turnover...

- Inbred baboon.
- of TV superstar Ronnie Dobbs.

We now go live...

- That's it!
- Shut up, you illiterate butterbean!

Get him out of here!
Out the door, through the window!

Get him out of here!

Unhand me, hairy hillfolk.
I'm trying to watch this!

The lucky boy...
sorry. the unlucky boy...

is being held hostage
by approximately four gentlemen.

Gentlemen?!

No! Try "terrorists"!
Stupid tongue. Sorry.

Four terrorists
who are demanding the release

of a prisoner named Ronnie Dobbs
from Georgia's death row,

a swank, luxurious
place of enchantment...

What did I just say?

This tongue of mine,
it's all twisted up!

...make a deal.

You hear me?
We will make a deal.

 

Real simple.

 

Real simple.
There's no need for violence.

I want you to stay calm.

This can be worked out.

 

All right in there, listen up.
This is the governor talking to you.

I heard your demands.

Now I want to tell you
my demands.

 

Let my son go
and shoot yourselves in the head!

How's that sit with you?

I didn't get a nickname like "Get Tough"
by caring about my son!

 

- Give me that.
- Twillstein!

Don't listen to him!
He's not on your side!

You can do
whatever you can dream!

Twillstein!
Get him!

 

We ain't makin'
no deals here, pal.

I'm not with the bobbies.

No, I've come here to assist you.

 

Look, I realize
that you're fans of Ronnie's,

and you want to get him out and get
an autograph and maybe a photo,

but when you're done,
I'll take him.

You ain't taking him nowhere!
He's staying right here.

We got special plans for Dobbs.

That's wonderful.
What could they be?

We're gonna kill
the son of a bitch!

Kill Ronnie?

 

Why would you want
to do that?

 

You're from
that Elimination program.

You got that right.

We was shittin' in high cotton.

We had the number one show,
then when Dobbs showed up,

network pulled the plug
on our show!

Yeah!
They forgot all about us!

Hell, they left us out there
on that goddamned island to die!

We had to make a goddamned canoe
out of the fat guy!

But he's on death row.
Isn't that enough?

No, that ain't enough!
We gonna kill him our way!

And then we're gonna eat him.

 

What in the hell do you think
I'm talking about here, pinhead?

 

Man, this is hard.

You live your whole life,
you think you've got it all worked out,

and then comes
the toughest choice of all.

 

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

 

Dobbs, you got more visitors.

Hey, little beans!

Gonna give you a few minutes
to say good-bye.

 

Right on!
Look at y'all.

You guys run along
and let me talk to Daddy, okay?

 

Sorry.

Do those hurt?

 

They a'ight.

 

Tammy, I love you so much.

I mean...
You're the only one I ever loved.

I don't know what happened.

Ronwell...

sometimes God shines
His magic light beam from outer space,

and it works in mysterious ways.

 

I may not always know
what He's thinking,

but I know that inside,
you're a good man.

 

Oh, baby.
I wish I had a magic genie bottle.

I'd rub it so hard that genie'd be like,
"What the fuck you doin'?"

I'd be like,
"I need some wishes bad!"

That genie'd be like, "You keep rubbin'
my bottle-home so hard,

I'll give you a foot-shaped wish
up your ass," and I'll be like...

 

Okay, let's go.
Time's up.

Let's go.

 

What the hell?

 

Let's kill the kid and the sissy.

I'm starvin'.

I'd like a snack, too.

 

Sorry we have to do this, kid...

 

...but your daddy,
he is one tough bastard.

Like father...

 

...like son.

 

Come on!

Hut!

 

Who's next?

 

Fat little prick!

 

United States Marine Corps taught me
how to kill a man in six seconds

before they kicked me out.

Let's get it on, sweetheart.

 

Son!

 

I got some demands of my own.

 

It's confirmed. Governor's approved
the pardon of prisoner Dobbs.

10-4.
Open the perimeter gate.

Where are we going?

I didn't get my last meal!
What about my waffles?

I was supposed to have
a wonderful breakfast

of delicious waffles,
and I didn't get nothing,

not even a bowl
of good-bye mints!

What about my waffles?

You mind if I buy you
those waffles, stranger?

Nah, man, I ain't in...
Terry?

What are you doing
picking up guys out here?

I'm only here
to pick up one man.

Fuck that guy.
Give me a ride.

 

Come on, Ronnie.
Hollywood awaits.

Ronnie was in what the scholars
call a real shit pickle.

but we know two heads
is always better than one.

so Ronnie. Tammy. and Terry

came up with something
that would make 'em all happy.

 

Look at me!
I'm on a river!

Riverdance!

This is the greatest day
in the moment of American history!

Ever!

I'm Ronnie Dobbs!

 

Catch the ring!

You catch the ring!

I'm not going, motherfucker!

We're trying to save your life!

 

That's it, chum!

Terry, did you see that?

I drove backwards
right off the thing, man!

It was awesome!

A drunken Ronnie remained
in the water for six hours

A drunken Ronnie remained
in the water for six hours

before a crew of Navy SEALs
forcibly rescued him.

We'll see that tonight.

as well as Ronnie repelling rescuers

from a treacherous cliff top.

Bring on that "heliocopter."
I don't need you.

Get on out of here.

 

Then later.
in an alpine skiing tragedy.

Ronnie comes perilously close
to dying of frostbite

and humiliates a rescue team
with snowballs.

all tonight on
Ronnie Dobbs Gets Rescued.

 

Cut!

Brilliant! That's a wrap!

You make Bob Stack
look like an amateur, Kent.

100!
Who likes cake?

Everybody.

Yes. That's right.

 

Where's Ronnie?

 

Looks like you got
your truck lowered.

Tammy, is that you?
You look glamorous!

I'm a regular
Hollywood trophy wife.

You are. Thank you
for loaning me your husband.

As long as he's not getting arrested,
it's okay by me.

 

I feel like I'm ready to party!

I got lungs of steel!

A'ight, Clay, I heard that!

Uncle! Uncle!

Hey, little dude.

You'll never guess.
I got my special shoes!

I don't give a goddamn.

Come on, Chow-Chow.

Come on, y'all,
let's have us a champagne jam!

Champagne!

Let's party, for real this time!

We're off, everybody.

 

Ronnie, you ain't got
a hair on your ass

if you don't give it some gas!

 

Look out.

 

Too fast, Uncle!
Uncle Ronnie, too fast!

 

Look out!

 

- That was a nasty right turn!
- You guys okay?

Y'all all right?

Uncle Ronnie,
you broke my special shoes!

 

Then he stole some tires.

He stole...

 

Shouldn't he be
coming up by now?

 

Go!

 

This goat ate my shoes
and my shirt and my wallet

and my diamond rings and...

 

Goddamnit!

 

Really? That's fabulous!

 

Where's that ambulance at?

Can't catch me!

Fuck! Jesus Christ!
Fuck! Troy!

 

She's a lying bitch, officer.
You can't trust a word she's saying.

Look at this stupid bitch!

 

Get her off of me!
She's an old lady!

What's wrong with you?

 

Let me go!

I want her fired.
I want her off the set.

 

It's called acting.

 

Well. there you have it...
the Ronnie Dobbs story.

from the bottom to the top
to the bottom and then back to the top.

Who wants to bet
the bottom's next?

What a story!
What about me?

Well. Iook at me.
I'm fine.

 

Now. that hit the spot.

Anyway. I don't blame Ronnie.

See. I was a little bit drunk
my own self.

Live and learn. I guess.

 

I'm so tired.
but. hell. I can't go to sleep.

Well. I guess
I'll just tell the story again.

This here is the story
of one Ronwell Dobbs...